Coaching People with Asperger's Syndrome by Bill Goodyear

Author:Bill Goodyear
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Karnac Books
Published: 2011-05-06T00:00:00+00:00

2. You need a new way

As soon as you recognise that you are responsible for the effects of all you do, it becomes clear that you need a new way. You are respon-sible for the effects of your actions. You want something to happen. You have yet to achieve that goal. You need a new way. These are only baby steps really, but as Timothy Gallwey asks, “Why does ittake so long to break an old habit and learn a new one?” We are reliant on our habits, and the internal connections which create them are multilayered enough to be powerful and resilient to change. It is easy to do something different once, but much more of a challenge to maintain that change. Smokers sometimes “give up” smoking several times in a year. Old habits die hard, especially if the unconscious mechanisms are not addressed. The baby step of recognising that you need to find a new way is worth bringing to the spotlight in all events, and if the person with Asperger's is particularly resistant to change, it becomes even more important.

It is obvious that someone who is dissatisfied needs to do something different. However, from my own experience of people with and without Asperger's, I know that it is exceedingly familiar territory to get stuck with a belief that says “I must do the same thing again, but harder”. Sometimes, of course, this is true—consistency and application are very necessary in order to achieve something, and to some extent, following a strategy harder and for longer than is usual is in fact doing something different. The skilful ones amongst us, though, are those who think about the design of their strategy, and include consideration of the unconscious, emotional and feeling realms as well as the activities involved. I know several people with Asperger's, however, who cannot get beyond thinking that all you have to do to get a girlfriend is say hello to a nice looking woman. My view is that you need to have things to talk about; you need to be fairly good at finding out what interests her and be able to make her laugh and feel safe with you. I also think (just from my own personal list of abject failures) that you are much more likely to succeed if you already know someone than if you are cold-calling. There are a lot of considerations here, but the essence is that if what you are doing is not bringing you the results you want, you should try something different.

On a different level, it is sometimes hard to accept that you have previously tried and failed: it is unpleasant to acknowledge that fact. However, when you do, you may find that you are more open to either changing your goal or changing your strategy. Failure is a strange concept: whilst it may be objectively true that something does not happen, it is your choice whether to process this as failure or useful information to be used next time.

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